The Smallest Conflict Will Send Me Spiraling

Ok, so this is not the blog post idea I had for this week. This a spur of the moment rant blog post. If your someone like me who hates conflict, and any kind, then this post is for you. I just recovered from an anxiety attack because of a very small (but stressful) interaction I had with my neighbor.

            To start off this story I need to give some background information. Firstly, my next-door neighbor has been loud with their music since I have moved into this place a few months back. At first, I didn’t really do anything because like I said, I hate conflict. After some time, I started to just get pissed off that all day every day I can hear this person’s bass from their music in my unit. I am sensitive to sounds and can’t focus when there is something going on in the background. It had gotten to the point where it was affecting my schoolwork. I didn’t want to make a noise complaint because I didn’t want to be known as the problem tenant. But after some prep talk to myself and many more frustrating moments. To be specific when I would hear the music, I would get so angry and upset because I just couldn’t understand how someone could play their music so loud with zero consideration for anyone around them. But I got more irritated because my anxiety prevented me from doing anything to resolve this issue. So, I would just pace around my apartment talking to myself and my neighbor like they were in the room with me as a way to get some of my anger out. Sometimes I would cry and then put my ear to the wall to confirm that it was the unit I thought it was. I also cannot trust myself or am always second guessing myself, because what if I do make that noise complaint call and I was wrong out that unit and then they hate me. I just have too many “what if” questions going on in my head all the time. But to cut to the chase so I can continue on with this story, I ended up building up the courage to call my apartment office and make the noise complaint… and nothing happened. So that was a lot of stress and anxiety for nothing!

            I have made about 3 other calls since then and with not as much anxiety because I was just straight up pissed off at this point. So today nothing still has happened, and I have started to bang on my wall to let them know to turn it down. That within itself was pretty difficult to do because once I do bang on the wall, they will then know it was me who was making the complaints. I don’t like to be known. But once again after some time and more anger piling up, I just stated banging on the wall. Ok now that you are all caught up, today it happened again. It’s 9am and I can hear that fucking (excuse my language) bass. I at first do my usual routine where I pause my video to listen to make sure it’s the unit, I think it is. And when I don’t trust that I will put my ear to the wall. Once I hear the music coming from that unit, I still don’t trust myself. So, I will then go out my door to their to see if I can hear it outside. Once I do confirm that I then bang on the wall. Except this time, they banged on the wall back and then turned up the music. To say that sent me into an anxious spiraling is saying it lightly. I was stunned burst out into tears and then went to my bedroom because that is the only place, I couldn’t hear the music. So, after sitting there for a minute just crying I tried to call my mom. She didn’t answer so that didn’t help. I then cried some more while saying some colorful things about my neighbor out loud as if they could hear me (even though I would NEVER say that in person). I tried to call my mom again and once again she didn’t answer. So that just got me angry. I am now in my room crying into my pillow being mad and upset with my neighbor and now my mom. Cut to 20 minutes later I leave my room to get my noise cancelling headphones and then put those on. It took about 10 minutes of my cutting out the world to calm myself down. Still crying the entire time (and you know I had to take a selfie for myself to make fun of later).

            This entire interaction (even though it wasn’t face to face) ruined my entire day and prevented me from doing anything I wanted to do. I can’t just move on after something like this. Depending on the severity of the anxiety attack, it can take 2 hours to 1 week for me to recover. This time around it seems like it will be a day. I made me usual depressed chocolate chip cookie and decided to write out this post to get everything off my chest. Highly recommend writing or even just speaking outload your thoughts and concerns instead of holding it all inside. No one has to read or hear you, just get it out. As for me and my next steps, I have decided to either write an email to my apartment office or see them in person so they can see how much this is affecting me. The chances of me going in person are very low, but I like to lie and tell myself I will do it. One last thing before I end this post. To anyone who may be thinking I am being sensitive or dramatic, If I can hear your music in my unit with my tv on then it’s too loud. I understand living in an apartment building isn’t going to be completely silent, but have some consideration for the other living around you.

- airry