High School, the Worst Years of my Life, but Why do I Want to Redo it?

Ok so this is a topic that has been haunting me for years, and I am sure it’s been in the back of many people’s minds. Highschool … dun dun dunnn, yes, those 4 years of the most venerable and embarrassing moments of your life (unless your one of those people who peaked in high school, then this blog isn’t for you). They were the years of my life where I was at my worst, but why am I constantly thinking about how I stumbled on my words in class and then my face got all red and my voice started to shake and how after that I was convinced everyone thought I was a loser. I should be putting those memories away since we are done with that chapter of my life. It’s time to pack it up and leave it behind. But why can’t I stop thinking about it? You could tell me that high school really meant nothing in terms of what my status and how that would be my social standing now, but my brain would not be listening. I am sure I am not alone in thinking that your high school career forms the rest of your social life.

            I went to an all-girls school, and boy was that fun (that was sarcasm for anyone who didn’t pick it up). All I can really say in general is that girls are mean. When you are someone with low self-esteem and social anxiety, being surrounded by outgoing gorgeous put together people living their perfect lives everyday meanwhile here you are freaking out if people noticed you wore makeup that day and hope they don’t think your trying too hard (wow what a word dump there) it’s rough. I only really have 3 or 4 solid memories from high school, I think I did put most of it away from the severe anxiety I was facing daily. That was years ago, but why am I still obsessed with trying to be like those girls in my classes? For one, I recently came to the realization with the help of my therapist that I don’t know how to be me. This is because of many other non-school related reasons that I will get into another time. For now, in high school this affected me because I was hell bent on trying to be that person instead of maybe using them as an inspiration. I just wanted to be them with the hopes that my life would be better or happier once I achieved that. I saw them being happy and with their friends all the time and constantly being invited to parties and going out to eat after school. I was never any of that, I am not an extrovert with a lot of friends who even wants to be at a party. The problem was that I wasn’t satisfied with myself and my own personality traits, I wanted theirs.

            For years after I graduated, I would see how people were doing and see the “popular” people doing exactly what I expected them to be doing, so no surprise there. But I also noticed that people who were like me or not the “popular” people completely changed and seemed happier after high school. That was an inspiration for me or a validation to me that what you were in high school isn’t what you have to be forever. Some of you reading this might be thinking that my viewpoint is immature or stupid, but when you grow up not knowing how to express yourself or be yourself without being told what to do, making decisions on your own is very difficult. That being said, being the first person to do anything is also very difficult. So being validated is a pivotal piece for me to be able to move forward.

            Taking it back a little now, I am still in my imaginary world all the time living my little fake life as that popular person in school. I am still stuck on these thoughts of “what if”. What if I had more friends? What if I studied more? What if I didn’t have social anxiety, would I have done better in class? So many of these questions all the time. What if… I am always wanting to go back and change the past. I can say that I have missed out on so many life experiences because of my mental illnesses (social anxiety, depression) I also struggle with an auto immune disorder that was flaring up in high school, so I was constantly leaving school from sickness. Some people would even come up to me and say they thought I dropped out. These comments didn’t help to say the least. I didn’t go to prom, I never went to any parties, I ate lunch alone, and lived a very lonely life. Yes, I did have some friends, and by some, I mean like 3. These so-called friends had left me alone one too many times for me to forget about it. I am actually still friends with one of these people now and if she happens to stumble across this, I’m sorry girl, it’s just the truth. Maturing is realizing that you don’t have to apologize for other people’s actions.

            I still catch myself today watching vlogs and day in the lives of people who seem to have their lives together and I am trying to become them. I have moved on from the popular people in class to influencers. The one thing that is similar between the two is that they are probably just putting on a façade. In reality they are most likely struggling with something and have bad days and may be comparing themselves to everyone else as well. It has taken me some years, but I eventually got to the part in my life where I no longer feel the need to become someone else. I no longer want to pretend to be Sally from bio class. I want to start learning about myself and who I am. I believe that is where I will find the satisfaction I have been seeking. I still have my moments where I catch myself imitating someone, but I remind myself that you won’t be truly happy until you are happy with yourself. It sounds so cliché but it’s true.

 - airry