Do I Want to Be Seen or Invisible
This is a question I have recently been debating. If you asked me this when I was in middle school, I would laugh at you and then wonder if you even knew me to ask if I wanted attention or not. I can say now that I am in my 20s that I do want that attention sometimes, I mean I created this blog. Yes, I want to normalize daily life living with social anxiety and create a community for people struggling with the same things, but it’s also human nature to want attention.
Even when I was in middle school, I did want some sort of attention, and that was from my parents and the few friends I had. The problem was that I didn’t know how to express that I wanted to be seen. The few times where I would speak up in a family setting my family members would make a big deal out of it and then bring more attention that I wanted. I know they weren’t doing it in a bad way, they were just excited to hear me talk and insert myself into the conversation. Now that I had that experience, I was reluctant to do it again to avoid that kind of response. That is basically the way I live my life… I don’t, to avoid any uncomfortable situations. So how can I handle the random desire to want people to see me and to hear me?
In my experience exposure therapy works. If you don’t know what exposure therapy is its, “a psychological treatment that was developed to help people confront their fears” (APA). I recommend checking out the American Psychological Association website for more information on this. Now my therapy was a combination of going through many embarrassing moments in the year and getting small tastes of attention here and there and getting used to it. My first little bit of “fame” you could say is an Instagram page I made to post my kpop photocard collection. I just did this because honestly, I spend too much money on them not to show them off. I found out there was a whole community of collectors and fans. I eventually got a good amount of followers and was joining collaboration posts and interacting with people daily. It kind of became a hyper fixation of mine because there was a time I was posting daily. Now I just do it when I really want too, not to keep up with the numbers. I became comfortable in this setting and was ok sending messages in the group chats and commenting on other people’s posts. Yes, I know this was all online but like the people say, baby steps … baby steps. When you find your community and your place in it to fully express yourself you open up so many other doors. Maybe that hobby you were too scared to join a few months ago is something you can do with ease now. Just don’t force yourself, you need to let it happen naturally. But I also don’t mean to just give up when you feel a little bit of anxiety, just slowly keep pushing your limits. Not to the point where you end up giving yourself an anxiety attack or sending yourself into a depressive episode, trust me, been there.
Many years later here I am starting a blog wanting to talk to you guys and put myself out there. I still have moments at night where I think to myself that I am a fake and I won’t make it. I have to keep reminding myself that these thoughts will go away in time and that none of it is true. I will be to reason I don’t make it if I don’t even try. I am even wanting to start a YouTube channel to help with my college journey. I have learned that I get motivated to do my homework and to study when I am making something in the process. I guess whatever works and makes me do my homework and not procrastinate. I am just filming and editing right now, we will see if I make it to the uploading stage. I am so happy now that I am not as afraid to approach new things or to continue something when it gets difficult. You don’t have to become fearless overnight, you just need to build up yourself over time with small situations.
To answer the question, “Do I want to be seen or invisible?”, I want to be seen but seen on my own terms. Not like the person giving the speech, more like the person listening and chiming in every once in a while.
- airry