A Fun Trip to Some is a Nightmare for Me
Ok so this one is going to be a bit shorter because I have to be somewhere in approximately 4 hours, and I haven’t even started to pack or be ready to leave. So basically, my anxiety is ruining me right now because I have to go on a trip for new year’s, which to some might sound like a good thing. Usually it would be if I was going with like my family or a really close friend. But this time, I am going with a friend, but I am also going with their family and the whole thing is really stressing me out. One of my biggest fears is the unknown and this trip is just full of it so that is swell for me.
I am a person who needs a long time to really feel comfortable around someone. And when I say a long time I mean like years. I don’t know what to tell you, it’s just how I am. Maybe I just have trust issues but anyways, this trip I am going on is with people who I haven’t even spent more than a few hours with (excluding the friend I am also going with) and the fact that I have to spend the night with them is also a huge stressor for me. I hate being vulnerable and sleeping is a time where you are 100% vulnerable, so I will most likely not be sleeping during this trip either. At this point you are probably wondering why I am even going if I am so stressed out, and the answer to that is that I am a people pleaser and I don’t know how to say no to people. And if my friend happens to find this lovely blog and connects the dots about this story … I swear it’s not you, I really do like you and want to be your friend I just do better at smaller things at a time. Baby steps friends … baby steps.
Going back to the beginning of this post where I mentioned I haven’t even packed yet; I am just mentally blocking it all away until the last minute. I will keep pushing and pushing the time to get up and start getting ready to leave because that’s when it becomes real. Let me give you a rundown of the schedule I created for myself while I was lying in bed this morning not wanting to get up. I will get up early so that I feel like there will be more time in the day because I feel like time is going by so fast for me these days. I will then do absolutely nothing and become one with my couch until 3:30pm. Then I will start to pack (in my head I told myself that it’s only a few days, so it won’t take me that long). I should be done with that around 5pm and that is the time I need to leave my apt to be where I need to be. Yes, I will be cutting it close and yes that also does stress me out because I hate being late to things. But I am in a type of a “frozen state” that I tend to go into when I am in a high anxiety state.
Well, that’s all I have for now. The time is ticking away as I am writing this as a way to further push off me packing and getting ready to go. Who knows maybe it will work out maybe it won’t … but there’s that unknown that’s scares the shit out of me.
- ananxietyriddengirl